Have you ever found yourself in a moment of total chaos? Where time seems to slow down just a notch and it you see all the activity going on around you. With two little ones I find that happens to me at least once a week, especially with a high needs toddler. I find that meeting myself in that moment, that split second and saying "breath in" and then breathing out allows me not to go over the edge with them. I never realized how important your own emotions are and the energy that you put out. You don't to seem to notice it so much with adults as you interactions are a bit more mature, but with children and babies it's so immediate.
I think the toughest part of being a mother is holding it together for your children's sake. If you go over the edge, so do they. I'll admit that I go over the edge into the red zone at least once a week. I just lose it and yell. Then of course like a pressure valve you feel better and then have to apologize and explain your behavior. Then comes the other hard part, forgiving yourself. Motherhood is so filled with guilt. It's a big job, bigger then any other out there. Yes, bigger then being president! It shouldn't be a job filled with guilt but it is. And so we have to learn to breath and forgive ourselves. Mamas you are doing a wonderful job. You love your children even if they push you over the edge sometimes. I'm currently dealing with this guilt as I write this. Sofia is screaming in her room because it's nap time and she doesn't want to nap. Told her I loved her but I needed to rest by myself. Of course she doesn't really understand this. But writing it is therapeutic even if I want to go get her right now. (her door is open by the way)
I'm writing this because it is one of my new goals to think and observe before acting. I've already had two of these moments in a row today. And I have successfully handled them without direct emotion. Imagine yourself trying to make a cup of tea while you have a screaming infant on one hip and toddler screaming and pulling your pant legs while you husband says I've got to go I'm ten minutes late and runs out the door. I prefer that slow moment to going over the edge.
Do you ever have these moments? How do you handle them? How do you handle mama guilt?
ugh, what a morning, but what a good job you did... slowing down. Just last night when my little guy was taking 2hrs to go to bed, I found myself having to blame my expectations. My expectations that he would go to sleep in 30 minutes or less and then I could blog, return some emails, eat a bite of dark chocolate, cuddle a bit with my love before she goes to bed (so early, damn she goes to bed early), and then read my book. I find that if I can recognize and then let go of my expectations, it helps. but letting go of them usually requires breathing in about 8 times. ;)
ReplyDeletei love the honesty of your post!
best, Jules
What a fabulous post KC. I think we all have those moments, we wouldn't be human if we didn't, and we also wouldn't grow as a person and as a mama. It is in those moments I learn so much about myself, and in that learning I can change what I don't like next time the situation presents itself. All the while learning, changing and growing...it is what life and the journey of motherhood is about, right?
ReplyDeleteMama guilt, if anyone can figure out how to get rid of that, they will make a million :) But really, again I think questioning ourselves creates an environment for change, which is usually good, right?
I find the things I feel quilty about tend to be when I set expectations which while they seem realistic really are not. So, over the years I have learned to let go, a little bit, and I find when that happens there is less guilt and to be honest less of those moments.
I am learning to let go, trust in my little man, and allow life to follow the path he makes. It is not always easy, but I can tell you, it definitely makes like a whole lot more interesting.
Thanks for sharing KC, we are all in this together, it takes a village right?
We have those moments all the time! I think it's normal. One of the best investments I've made in myself as a parent in the last year or so was going with my husband to a Love & Logic class at our preschool. It totally changed the tone in our house, mostly, because it gave me the tools and perspective to realize that *I* have more of an opportunity to set the tone than I'd ever realized before. Of course, I'm not perfect... I still yell. Often. Just yesterday my 1st Grader sat at the kitchen island for nearly 3 hours "trying" to complete 1 math worksheet. The biggest success of the experience was that I was able to keep my cool and (mostly) not get sucked in to his negative attitude. He eventually settled down and had it completed within about 25 minutes once he (finally!) realized that it was up to him and that yes, he's capable if he sets his mind to it. But it made for a very long afternoon!! And yes, I completely agree that they will follow our lead--if we melt down, they will too, but if we can stay calm (easier said than done some days!) they will feel comforted by that, and eventually calm down as well. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThank you friends for your wonderful replies! It would seem that indeed "expectations" is theme. Children don't have expectations and there for don't follow the same rules. If we all started out free of expectation where did we start picking them up along the way? Today has been a good day though. I am open and receptive and listening. ;)
ReplyDelete