Last time I talked about high needs toddlers it was just an introduction. This time I want to talk about nap times and night time parenting because with spirited kids, sleep is one of the biggest issues and bottom line they just don't get enough of it. Since the day she was born Sofia has struggled with sleeping, and I have struggled to find a way to help her get more sleep. She has never wanted to sleep day or night, naps were no more then 45 minutes at a time and at night she was up every two hours. She has no sleep-awake transition either. I know this because I now have a baby who will open and close her eyes, yawn go back to sleep for a minute and wake up happy the next. Sofia just wakes up and this causes her to be quiet stressed and often cranky when she wakes up. If you have a toddler or baby like this I've got some tips for you.
Naptime
After two years of trying everything to get her to sleep on a normal schedule in her bed for two hours like all other toddlers and babies I've finally come to the conclusion that it won't work. With a high needs toddler she needs predictability of a nap time but sometimes she needs help to get there. I've found that sleeping in her bed ceased to be a good place because she panics if she wakes up and can't see me or hear me puttering around. Nap times are now taken on the couch, which works well right now as can do quiet activities near by her and "get things done".
Sometimes even the couch won't work to help her sleep this is when we go for a stroll. Doesn't matter the weather. Windy, hot, cold whatever with in 10 minutes or often by the end of the street she's out. I then let her sleep in the stroller.
Conventional methods of sleeping don't work for high needs kids. Observe when your child feels the most tired and experiment with different locations and times. Be open to the fact that some days they might sleep longer or short then others and sometimes they might sleep once or twice. If they are not showing signs of being tired at all, just have a quiet time where they sit in a comfortable place and read books or color. This will help to avoid melt downs and allow you to have some "me time". Even if it's only 20-30 minutes. They often may find they are actually tired and fall asleep on their own.
If you have an infant, sleep when they sleep if you can. Leave getting things done for when your partner or spouse comes home. Note a high needs infant will lose their first nap really early. By nine months Sofia was down to one, one hour nap a day.
Night time parenting of a high needs toddler or baby is much harder on the emotions. You are tired from the day and want to sleep through the night but this is where sharing the responsibility with your partner really comes in handy. If you co-sleep and that is working for you continue to do so until they want to go to their own room.
If co-sleeping is not working or they are already in their own room then you will need to take turns when they come in at night so not all the burden is on one person.
First and hardest thing is to accept that they may not sleep through the night for a long time. Secondly you will need to repeatedly help them to know what it is that they need to do at night or in the morning when they wake up. For example Sofia wakes up every morning at 5:00 am. This doesn't work for me as that is the time Viola has her first morning feeding and then goes back to sleep. Plus it's an ungodly hour for any toddler to be up. So we have put a sun/moon light in her room, and have told her that when the sun comes on, she can come get us up. The sun is set at 6:30 am. It may take your child a while to understand that they need to wait and go back to sleep or read quietly. Have patience.
For night-wakers, if all their needs are met (food, water, potty, temperature and they are not sick) but getting up to play or for attention, I've found it works best to bring Sofia back to bed, give her a kiss, tell her I love her and that she and I both need to sleep. Then I leave. She sometimes fusses but then goes right back to sleep. Now this method might take a few nights to start working. You will just need to get up and bring them back into their bed. Be patient it will get better. Just remember you are helping them to sleep better.
Some of you might think, well why don't you co-sleep with her? The problem is she's a light sleeper who doesn't like to be touched. So in the family bed she constantly flips and flops and doesn't sleep well at all. We co-slept until 15 months when she moved into her own little bed next to us because she stopped being able to sleep well next to us. At 18 months we put her in her own room for the sake of her having a quiet place before the baby came.
Sleep for toddlers and especially high needs toddlers is so important. The more you can help them get the better. As of right now Sofia sleeps 90% of the time through the night 8pm-5am with a one hour nap during the day. On the rare occasion she will sleep for an extra hour and nap for an hour and half.
If feel like you have a high needs toddler and can relate to this post and need to talk more, feel free to comment below or to e-mail me.
I found your blog through the Knitty Gritty Homestead. "High needs" is definitely a good description for our toddler :) She had reflux as a baby, and only slept in 45min intervals. She screamed most of the time, until she was about 7 months old. Although the reflux is better now, she still wakes up every night, and one of us will either join her in her bed, or she'll come in our bed. She actually sleeps better with us. However, I am nervous for when baby #2 arrives. I know we won't have the same flexibility, and like you, I am not willing to get up at 5am if I have a newborn to feed. I think we will try your sun/moon light trick - our plan is to integrate some new routines before the baby is born, so that she is already (hopefully) adjusted!!
ReplyDeleteWe started new routines 6 months before my second was born. Be aware that when the new baby is born your high needs toddler might get out of sorts with all routines. You'll really have to help her stay on as normal schedule as possible. It might be rough for a while, just make sure to ask for help. And after awhile things will smooth out!
DeleteYes, she is in daycare right now 3 days per week, so it's my plan to keep her there (if we can afford it) to maintain her sense of routine. I know if I pull her out of daycare, we could both end up having meltdowns :) I'm already nervous enough for the 2 days I would have both at home. I guess it's all about adjusting
DeleteKC, much of what you write about Sophia is how I would describe Zinnia. Birth-14 months she only napped for 20-45 minutes at a time. Now thankfully she's napping for 1.5-2 hours (sometimes with a wakeup but I can usually nurse her back to sleep again). We just night weaned her (22 months) and that was a rough transition for us all. We are still co-sleeping though unlike Sophia, Zinnia seems to need some touch to stay deep asleep. The last two weeks have brought all of us decent night's sleep as she's finally stopped pleading for Mama's milk in the middle of the night, thankfully. But we, too have BIG changes coming this fall and it'll be interesting to see how my girl adapts to it all. Loving kindness and lots of Mama & Dada time during the day will hopefully get us through. Fortunately my hubs works at home. I like the idea of the sun/moon light as we consider moving her into her own bed. We used the sun/moon imagery for saying goodnight to Mama's milk and she seems to totally get it. Thanks for this post. I'm sure I'll reference it again.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and kindness. Transitioning with a new baby was really tough for Sofia. She needed as much understanding as I could give her. Sometimes I was impatient, but that's when I was the most tired. Hopefully that BIG change will include a sleeper! That has been our saving grace. Viola sleeps and sleeps and sleeps! So I get lots of time with Sofia.
DeleteSuch a great post KC. Reece was/is high needs, although I have seen a change in him over the last few months. I took away his naps, all of them, at 14 months, he was just up too late at night. From birth he was a cat napper, 15, maybe 20 minutes a few times a day. Around 10 months there was no morning nap and a longer afternoon nap, maybe 45 to 60 minutes. And then it started to affect bedtime, so I took it away and in its place we had and still have quiet time in the afternoon. Usually involves a cup of tea for two, a snack, a few books and some cuddling. It works for us.
ReplyDeleteWe are still co-sleeping, and I don't see that changing anytime soon, he has no desire to be in his own bed and we are fine with that. When he is ready he will let us know.
When we were going through it all in the baby stage the one thing others told me was that high needs babies tend to grow up to be very compassionate, empathic and caring adults. So I am hanging on to that :)
I'm so amazed to know how many others are out there! I would love to have continued to co-sleep with Sofia but she won't have any of it. I hope Viola stays for a while.
DeleteI'm so glad you've found a method that works for you. That's exactly what has to happen too. The more you work with them the easier it gets. We should talk more on this topic! I'm going to keep posting about it because I feel not enough people talk about how to deal with high needs babies and children. Knowing you have a high needs kid makes you even more endearing to me then you already are!
ok, but how do you GET them to sleep at night..?? my high-needs 2.5 year old climbs all over me, scratches me, bites me, pinches, kicks, hits me - and he's just playing (not angry or frustrated)! his new thing is that he WON'T lay down! he will go on & on & on like this indefinitely. i've gone from laying in the bed next to him to sitting on the foot of his bed. that worked for a while, but not anymore. i've tried sitting on the floor next to his bed, but he just climbs down onto the floor, too (where he dances, runs around in circles, etc)!
ReplyDeleteWe have tried earlier bed times, later bed times.. same results.
HELP!
I see that you have tried lots of things at night. What are his days like? Do you have a rhythm that he can expect? I've found rhythm in our days make nights a lot better.
DeleteSofia used to get up and jump and do a lot of things your son does. So I would tell her that she needed to calm her legs and her back and so forth until I had named all her body parts. Eventually she calms down and is able to relax her body. It would seem that your son can't relax his body on his own. I've read that this is an actual neurological issue for them. You'll have to train him to relax himself. Once he understands how to do it night time will be come much easier.
I would also say that his hurting you is totally unacceptable. You need to make it known that at any time if he hurts you that you will leave the room. He will probably cry and scream. you don't have to close the door on him, but you need to make it known that you will not tolerate being hurt. You don't need to be mean but rather be firm. It is important for them to know that you are in charge and not them. Right now he is in charge of the situation. High needs toddlers get crazy when they are in charge.
Have you tried to let you spouse or partner take over the night time routine for a while. Try and see if that will help him to relax. You'll need to try that for a few days it takes them a while to get used to the change.
Feel free to e-mail me and we can talk more about this!
Hello, I'm really interested to read about your experiences with your high needs toddler. My daughter is 17 months and was pretty high-needs in the early months, she refused to sleep anywhere except on me and I had to bounce her for about 20 minutes to get her to sleep (yes bounce, as if walking up and down stairs!) and would only sleep for 45 minutes at a time. Her cries would go from fussing to meltdown in a matter of moments. Luckily after about 6 months she has gradually started to chill out a bit but I still have to be careful to stick to her routine to avoid meltdowns. She sleeps through the night usually since she turned 1, but is an early waker, but makes up for it with a long nap during the day (about 2 hours) but she HAS to have her nap in her cot with the house quiet. BUT I am finding now that there is a lot more good to outweigh the stress and frustration of the early days, she is so full on, she runs around like crazy and chatters away, she is lively and so interested in everything, I am really enjoying seeing her personality come out and shine!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have a high needs toddler! I When Sofia was little we had to always hold her up right. She would refuse to be in the cradle hold. My husband would often walk up and down the hall way bouncing her high on his shoulder. For the first 7 months I had to have in a sling in order for her to nap at all.
DeleteIt is true that once their good side really starts to come through it takes over the more frustrating moments. I'm glad you've found this space. I'll try to keep up the conversation and add other topics.
What a wonderful thread! I'm curious when your little ones started sleeping through the night? My daughter is 18 months old and never has. Her first year was intense...none of us slept! She is better now...she wakes usually just once for a feeding. I wonder if I need to start weaning her or just go with it! I can't believe she still has a 3 or 4 am feeding! If I try to fight it...it never works...she wont go back to sleep.
ReplyDeleteAnyway..thank you for this post...you have a great blog!
Thank you! S started sleeping through the night at around 25 months. It took a lot of work to help her understand what she needed to do. As far as night weaning, I had to wean her at 15 months because I was pregnant and it would make me sick sick sick. She was still eating 2 times a night at that point and I realized it was because she just wanted some comforting. Whenever there is an imbalance and we need to make a change it takes a few days and a bit of screaming but in the end it works better for everyone. I'm not advocating CIO here. But what has worked for us is that we make a change and there are a few nights like two of adjustment and that might mean crying a bit. For example S is a very early riser like 5 am. But she is always tired after that. 5 am is also too early for me. I feel tired and cranky all day if I get up at that time. So I put up a sun/moon light to tell her when she can call for me. I also put a gate on her door. This is so she doesn't wander the house while I am asleep. The first two mornings she woke up with the gate she screamed and screamed. I went to her, gently told her what we were doing and I went back to bed. I continued to do this until the sun went on. Then I promptly let her out and we started our normal routine. I did this for 3 mornings then she understood what was going on and now she waits until the sun comes on at 6:30 and I promptly get up and start our day.
DeleteS does fight every change we make. But our experience is that she is happier in the end. This is the method we followed for night weaning S http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
Good luck, feel free to e-mail if you need anymore advice!