On setting boundaries

This past weekend I had a very long talk with a wonderful mother and friend, whom I shall call my sister in-law.  I like to go to her when I need parenting help as she has two girls as well who are older then mine so she knows already how this thing works itself out. We talked about all the behavioral issues Sofia has that were bothering me. What I realized while talking to her is that I have so much to learn. I learned a lot about my own weakness as a parent and where I can change to help Sofia change.

Two hours of talking boiled down to this: set boundaries and follow through with them.  Now I know all the parenting books say this and I've heard it here and there from friends, but for some reason I must not have been open to the fact. For three days now I have been doing it and it's changed dramatically the way I handle situations. I openly admitted my fear of forever ruining her by allowing to have tantrums. It's okay to have tantrums even I have tantrums sometimes. They might not be as powerful as hers or outwardly expressive, but I have them too.

Since we moved into this house Sofia became very whiny. After Viola was born that escalated into immediate tantrums as well as lashing out at Viola in very violent ways sometimes. We reacted by giving her more space, more chances and choices. This was in fact wrong on our part and I see that now. Luckily it's not too late to fix it. By giving her a choice of two options you already find acceptable she has the option to choose between those. From those comes the boundary. It's really very eye opening to see how freeing boundaries are for children. Simply by telling Sofia this is the rule in our house, this is how we do this, she is a happier kid. Let me give you an example: I tell her, "we don't kick viola because it hurts her." you can choose to play nicely with her and stay or you can choose to leave the room. This second option is usually the one she really doesn't want because separation from me is torture for her. This simple change in wording has resulted in almost hurt-free days. I've found myself a much calmer person when a situation arises that would have otherwise made me very angry. In a sense I have set boundaries for myself as well. Before I was leaving the situation open, and even I didn't know what the end would be. I can see once we are really used to this new way of communicating that the respectful connection that I tried before will really begin to work. My thoughts on this topic are still bubbling to the surface as this has been a year and half long issue. And I suppose that really as parents it was our issue and not Sofia's. Through her we are learning to be better communicators, better parents and better people.